What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is any non-physical abusive behavior that aims to weaken another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self-worth.

Emotional abuse can be challenging to detect, considering that more often than not, it is subtle. If you are feeling unheard, frustrated, anxious, confused or worthless, there is a higher possibility of emotional abuse being present in a relationship. General signs of emotional abuse include: verbal abuse, shaming, belittling behavior, gas-lighting, manipulation and isolation.

From Family/Peers

Regardless of who a person is, someone condescendingly yelling at you is not okay. Someone concealing their verbal abuse in a joke or sarcastic tone or even a loving voice is not ok. However, it is okay for you and that someone to express your feelings, even if you have to raise your voice to get your point across or speak with blunt honesty. After everyone has calmed down, attempt to talk about what happened and how it escalated to that point. Speaking about the situation while it’s still fresh can help you prevent it from happening again. Avoid leaving situations heated, especially if you live within close quarters. If you know that tempers are escalating quickly, and that you’re in danger of saying hurtful things that you don’t mean, suggest a ten minute “time-out” to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.

From Romantic Relationships

It is key that you are able to openly communicate in romantic relationships. What you choose to speak about beforehand can make situations a lot more comfortable going forward. Take the time to talk about expectations not only in order to manage them, but to also set boundaries. Communication helps you realize if you are in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.

Constriction is a concern in romantic relationships. Your partner might be telling you where you can go, when you can go there, and what you can wear while being out. They may threaten you or give you ultimatums; isolate you from your friends and even invalidate your feelings. They may call you stupid or belittle, shame and criticize you in front of friends and loved ones. They may withhold affection unless you do precisely what they want. They may even refuse to speak to you for days on end. These are not examples of healthy or supportive behavior. We are all free to express ourselves in whichever way we please, while still respecting our partners.

If you are in an uneasy situation that you don’t feel comfortable leaving, try talking to someone you can trust. If you cannot think of anyone to talk to, loveisrespect.org is a safe site offering help with understanding healthy relationships. You can talk to a peer advocate at 1-866-331-9474 or visit their contact page for more information.

You also need to keep in mind that emotional abuse is cyclical. When the victim of emotional abuse confronts the abuser, the abuser will backtrack. Flowers may be purchased, and dinner dates will suddenly become romantic; they may even become deeply apologetic in an effort to persuade the victim to stay in the relationship. When the victim becomes comfortable in the relationship again, the emotional abuse will materialize anew.

From Yourself

We are our own worst critics. Overly concerning ourselves with how others perceive us can hurt us tremendously. It is okay to aspire to be like others, but we must remember that our own happiness comes first. Emotional abuse deteriorates our confidence and holds us back from being the greatest version of ourselves. Some indications are isolating yourself from friends, avoiding situations because you convince yourself that you aren’t capable, or neglecting your own accomplishments. Emotional abuse to the self also includes body shaming and telling yourself that you’re not attractive enough.

You are enough. Your feelings are real, and you are not to blame for someone else’s unhappiness.

Getting out of the habit of being emotionally abusive to yourself can be difficult, especially if you are not hearing what you tell yourself. Writing out your negative thoughts can help you grasp the true strength of your own words. By doing so, you can flip those words, turn them into positives and begin to highlight your successes. Understand that what others do, does not have to affect or define your behavior.

Note to Self

Sometimes we need to take a look at ourselves to see that we can be emotionally abusive to others as well. Eliminating emotional abuse can yield a stronger relationship with those around you, including the relationship you have with yourself.