The Secret to Making Someone Feel Deeply Understood
Most people don’t actually listen. They wait for their turn to talk. This is why so many conversations feel empty. You share something important, but instead of feeling heard, you get advice you didn’t ask for, a story about their experience, or a half-hearted “yeah, totally.”
The result? You stop opening up.
Now flip that. Imagine talking to someone who makes you feel truly understood. Someone who doesn’t just hear your words but grasps exactly how you feel. People trust, respect, and even become addicted to those who make them feel deeply understood. And the best at this; elite therapists, negotiators, and top communicators use a technique called Looping.
And the best at this—elite therapists, negotiators, and top communicators—use a technique called Looping.
The Looping Technique
Looping is a communication method where you actively reflect, clarify, and expand on what someone is saying to make them feel fully heard. Instead of passively listening or waiting to respond, you guide the conversation in a way that deepens understanding and connection.
Here’s how it works:
Reflect their core emotion back to them. If someone says, “I just feel like no one appreciates how much effort I put in,” don’t just say, “Yeah, that sucks.” Instead, respond with, “Sounds like you’re exhausted from giving so much and feeling unrecognized.”
Ask a simple but powerful follow-up question. “Has this been happening for a while?” or “What would feeling appreciated look like to you?” These questions signal that you’re actually engaged, not just waiting to speak.
Pause and let them expand. Most people rush to fill silence. Don’t. Let the moment breathe. People open up when they feel they have space to do so.
Why This Works
Most responses shut people down without meaning to. “That sucks, but you know what happened to me?” shifts focus away. “You’re overthinking it” dismisses their feelings. “Just be grateful” minimizes their experience. Looping, on the other hand, taps into a deep psychological need: the need to feel seen and understood.
The brain is wired for connection. When someone feels truly heard, their brain releases oxytocin—the bonding hormone. This fosters trust and makes them feel safe to open up more. At the same time, the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain, calms down when a person feels understood. That’s why people who practice Looping become the ones others go to for advice, support, and even leadership. Their presence alone feels reassuring.
On the flip side, when someone feels unheard, the brain perceives it as social rejection—activating the same pain centers as physical injury. That’s why being dismissed, ignored, or talked over feels so frustrating. Looping short-circuits this rejection response and builds instant rapport. It makes conversations more engaging, makes people want to be around you, and even makes you more persuasive.
Try it today, and watch how people start opening up to you in ways they never have before.